How To Give a Cat a Pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from under bed and throw away soggy pill.
Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tight with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of regrigerator. Call spouse in from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between your knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make not to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its' head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
Check label and make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a glass of water to take taste out of your mouth. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
Fetch a screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on its hinges. Apply a cold compress to cheek and check medical records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cats' mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouith, followed by a large peice of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new dining table.
Arrange for veterinarian to make a house call with a new batch of pills.