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101 Bonuses to Being Male
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  1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
  2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  3. "I didn't know" solves all your relationship problems.
  4. You get to know stuff about tanks.
  5. A 5 day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
  6. Monday Night Football.
  7. You don't have to monitor you friend's sex lives.
  8. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  9. You can open all your own jars.
  10. Old friends dont give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
  11. Dry cleaners and hair-cutter's don't rob you blind.
  12. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stop at every shot of someone crying.
  13. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
  14. All your orgasms are real.
  15. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
  16. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
  17. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
  18. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
  19. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  20. You last name stays put.
  21. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
  22. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
  23. You can kill your own food.
  24. The garage is all yours.
  25. You get extra credit for the sligtest act of thoughtfullness.
  26. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
  27. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
  28. You never have to clean the toilet.
  29. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
  30. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
  31. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  32. If someone forgets to invite you to something he or she can still be your friend.
  33. Your underwear is $10 for a 3-pack
  34. The National College Cheerleading Championship
  35. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
  36. You don't have to shave below your neck.
  37. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
  38. If you've 34 and single nobody notices.
  39. You can write your name in the snow.
  40. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
  41. Everything on your face stays it's original color.
  42. Chocolate is just another snack.
  43. You can be president.
  44. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
  45. Flowers fix everything.
  46. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
  47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
  48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
  49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
  50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
  51. Foreplay is optional.
  52. Michael Bolton doesn't exist in your universe.
  53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
  54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  55. Youdont have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
  56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
  57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
  59. You can watch a gam in silence with a buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
  60. The world is your urinal and you treat it as such.
  61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
  62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
  63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  64. One mood, all the time.
  65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
  66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too scary.
  67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
  68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
  69. Same work... More pay.
  70. Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
  71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
  72. Wedding Dress = $2,000 Tux Rental = $100
  73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
  74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least, in theory.
  75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
  76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
  77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
  78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
  79. ESPN's sports center
  80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
  81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.
  82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
  83. You can buy condoms wihtout the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
  84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
  85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
  86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
  87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "Screw it."
  88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might be lifelong buddies.
  89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
  90. The occasional well-rendered belch is expected.
  91. You neve rhave to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
  92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
  93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
  94. New shows don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
  96. You don't have to remember anyone's birthdays.
  97. Not liking a person does not preclude having sex with them.
  98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So.... notice anything different?"
  99. Baywatch
  100. There is always a game on somewhere.
Breathe in, breathe out, move on.