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  1. There are 3 kinds of people in the world; those who can count and those who can't.
  2. Puritanism: the haunting fear that somebody, somewhere is happy.
  3. I wanna die like in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and panicking like the people in his car.
  4. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
  5. We are UDOT. Resistance is futile. Your roads will be improved. (UDOT-Utah Department of Transportation)
  6. Montana: At least our cows are sane!
  7. Reality? That's where the pizza guy comes from!
  8. Always remember; you're unique. Just like everyone else.
  9. Save the trees... Wipe your butt with an owl.
  10. If you can read this, my wife fell off. (On the back of a biker's jackets)
  11. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? (Men saying this have been known to die a violent death)
  12. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
  13. A pat on the back is only a few inches away from a kick in the ass.
  14. Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
  15. Feel safe tonight - sleep with a cop.
  16. Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
  17. Guys: no shirt, no service.
    Gals: no shirt, no charge.
  18. If walking is so good for you, then why does my mail carrier look like Jabba the Hut??
  19. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
  20. We have enough youth, how about a Fountain of Smart?
  21. Axe me bout Ebonics.
  22. "Boldly going Nowhere."
  23. Cat: the other white meat.
  24. Caution: driver legally blonde.
  25. Don't be sexist - chicks hate that!
  26. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  27. He's not dead - he's electroencephalographically challenged.
  28. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  29. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
  30. If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
  31. WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
  32. What has 4 legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
  33. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
  34. Dial 911 and make a cop come.
  35. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  36. The fact that no one understand you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  37. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  38. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  39. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't care.
  40. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  41. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
  42. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  43. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  44. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  45. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lotta Karma to burn off.
  46. Yes, I'm an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  47. No, my powers can only be used for good.
  48. How about never? Is never good for you?
  49. I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.
  50. You sound reasonable... It must be time for my medication.
  51. I'll try being nicer, when you try being smarter.
  52. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
  53. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  54. I don't work here, I just wander from room to room.
  55. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
  56. It might look like I'm not doing anything, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.
  57. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits!
  58. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  59. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  60. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
  61. If you're not a heretic, you're just not doing it right.
  62. Jesus saves by shopping wisely and using double coupons.
  63. JESUS SAVES!!! Gretzky gets the puck.... He shoots... HE SCORES!!!!!
  64. It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion; it is by the beans of the Java that my thoughts acquire speed; the hands acquire the shakes; the shakes become a warning. It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion.
  65. Hi! I'm Dread Pirate Roberts #7538. Ask about franchise opportunities in your area.
  66. Campus Crusade for Cthulu - IT FOUND ME!
  67. Bad cop... BAD BAD cop. No donut.
  68. Books and History and Truth.... OH MY!
  69. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the quickest?
  70. Blessed be the censors, for they shall truly inhibit the Earth.
  71. I am Lyxdesic of Borg. Resistance is Futile. Prepare to have your ass laminated.
  72. Fundamentalism means never having to open your mind.
  73. I found Jesus. He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.
  74. Nuke and unborn gay baby whale for Jesus.
  75. Jesus, protect me from your followers!
  76. McCthulu's - over 2 billion devoured.
  77. Seven donkeys and a concubine cannot compare with the tarnished sheen left in your path of combustion.
  78. The quietness of a manhole cover cannot compare with the wild vapours of nylon I sense in your larynx.
  79. You are the swordfish that will never shower.
  80. Your eyes are much like milky pools of pantyhose.
  81. Let love and garlic conquer all!
  82. There are 3 rules in life.  1) There's always a victim.  2) Don't be it. 
Breathe in, breathe out, move on.